Giggidy Giggidy Goo!

My bestest friend in the whole wide world, Chenelle, is rolling into town in five hours. We are going to eat the Big Apple with a spoon. I realize that sentence didn't quite make sense. Whatever, it's a private joke between her and I, ha! Buckle your seatbelt, New York.

YouTube Euphoria

Thank you Jodi. Thank you for letting me know this existed. This video says everything there is to say about youtube, and yet nothing is technically "spoken."

What makes this so priceless is the fact that he looks like an extra from The Sopranos. Also worth appreciating is his utterly calm and collected facial expression that's maintained throughout the entire video.

Spam Should Only Be Limited to Sandwiches

You know that annoying junk email you get that always finagles its way into your inbox despite your spam blockers? Stuff like, "We have hundreds of Christian Singles waiting for you!" "Chelsea, we can help you with your mortgage." Funny, I don't own a home, let alone a mortgage to go with it. Recently, I've been receiving one particularly grotesque chunk o'spam over and over again. It reads:

"Debbie Lost Over 205LBS Using Colon Cleanser."

Thanks a lot, there's nothing quite as lovely as the image of a morbidly obese woman shitting herself thin while I try to digest my breakfast.

My Bro Visits a Corporate Behemoth for The First Time

My brother sent this to me via myspace:

"I just walked through the jaws of hell. I visited a Wal-mart for the first time. What a nightmare. The customers made me think about the rift between the likes of us (conscientious blokes) and them. It was a never-ending parade of losers. This is the group so valued by the machine. I wanted to shout out that they were really hurting themselves, but they were too happy with the incredible deals they had gotten ahold of. Masses of braless flesh writhing and undulating under the harsh fluorescent light. Consumerism taken to it's logical extant. This orgy of badly confined flesh. They wore next to nothing and the years showed badly. They had ideals that had been printed up for them. "Naughty?" "No.8", and a whole plethora of tee-shirts branded like billboards. Coke? Nike? Wear this, we own your ass. Imagine that. That you could be a walking billboard. Sorry, but I'm guessing the first visit to a Wal-Mart is jarring for most people."


-Justin Ward

Last Night's Dream

I'm headed to a massive family reunion, which, is being held at the expansive manor of Kevin Spacey and Annette Bening. Mr. Spacey was rather affable and jovial while his wife, Mrs.Benning, was a wicked shrew from hell. Every attempt to connect with my relatives was obliterated by this haggard harlot. Imagine her character from "American Beauty" cubed. She was a depressive banshee that sought out to make sure everyone felt her agony. Her and I were at each other's throats for the duration of my dream. One particular scene we were tossing four-letter insults back and forth to one another as though we were playing Jerry Springer Racquetball. I was in this incredibly huge, opulent, locker-room style bathroom that had security cameras scattered all over the ceilings. I was with an enigmatic character that was supposedly my friend, but I did not recognize her at all. She kept telling me that I could take a shower, so I did. I did not, however, want to get the frilly, conservative, ingenue-esque dress I was wearing wet so I'd just scream over and over, "I'M JUST WASHING MY FACE!" Then at the sink of said bathroom, Annette Bening comes storming in demanding to know what went on, I tell her to just watch the security film footage. She then proceeds to scream at me more, crazy bitch that she is, and I'm ousted from the reunion. The reunion transforms into some sort of grand inaugural gala and I'm not permitted to join my family in their procession to the stage. I decide to wander around the audience in a dejected state of mind. I start seeing random faces from my past. I see a friend from high school with his life-partner (who also happens to be a friend from high school). We smile at each other as if to say "Kudos on your choices." I then find my friend Mike and start crying and venting to him about what a monstrous bitch Annette Bening was to me.

I then proceeded to wake up hating her. Anyone have any ideas on what that one meant?

When I told a friend about this, he immediately trumped the weirdness of my dream with his own. "Oh yeah? I dreamt that my ex-girlfriend had the power to turn inanimate objects into lumbering trolls. She was using them as sex objects, the only time I could talk to her about it was during the end credits of a sitcom. So I had to keep rewinding the tape."

Shit-kickin' At The Gates of Hell

"And New York- what a dirge New York was. The town was full of solemn, spent, and irritable people shit-kicking their way down the sidewalks. A shit kicker is a guy with a frown on and his eyes on the ground, sloughing forward with his shoes scuffing the pavement like he's kicking horse-shit out of the way saying oh that this should happen to me."

-Excerpt from Tom Wolfe's "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test"

Thank you for your accurate articulation, Mr.Wolfe. I've been a shit-kicker myself on the occasional glum day in this crackling miasma of people static that is New York City.

Nachos of My Lethargy

So I'm writing a play. Look at me, I'm friggin' Neil Simon! Not really though, for those that aren't in the know, writing takes...what do you call it? Ah yes, motivation. Motivation and I are what you would call "estranged." For example, last night I made a personal goal to complete Act One. The second I opened the file on my computer, I decided to take a break. I ordered a heaving mass of nachos, watched an episode of "Married with Children," and passed out. When I woke up this morning, I almost rolled onto a plate of guacamole.

Sigh.