Reason #987,435,235 Why I Love My Little Cousin

My Aunt sent me this email as a result of disciplining her five-year-old son:

Mason wants to know what floor you live on. He's moving to New York because
he was mad after a time out. He said he'll call me every morning. He wants
me to give him my cell phone number. He's packing.

Aunt Lou

Haha, you're welcome here anytime Mason Jar. Just beware of the pimps and the C.H.U.D.S, New York is rife with them.

In case you're unfamiliar with what C.H.U.D stands for, I strongly recommend you watch this informative B-movie trailer:

This actually made my skin tingle with excitement it looks so terrifically awful. I hope to high heaven MST3K tackled this in one of their episodes.

Flashback to The Hard Knock 90's

I love revisiting movies you love but haven't seen in a solid decade. I did that tonight with this gem:

I was about ten or thirteen when I first saw it. My dad and I caught it on cable and I don't think we've ever laughed more hysterically at anything on television since. It's the rap-version of This is Spinal Tap and it's absolutely wonderful. Never mind the extreme 90's look and feel of the film, the humor within it is timeless.

My favorite quote? When accused of being misogynistic and using the slang term for vagina too frequently, Ice Cold, the lead singer, refutes the accusation by saying it's an anagram for a political statement:

"P", Political, "U", Unrest, "S", Stabilize, another "S", Society, "Y", Yeah.

If Ever I Have a Sour Day Again...

...I can rely on this link to cheer me up exponentially.

http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

Thank you, Mike. A thousand times thank you.

No Kidding, Mr. Wonka.

"It's difficult to continue loving someone who shits on you -but I did, because of the moments of magic that we had shared together."


-Gene Wilder, on his professional relationship with Richard Pryor.

The Post-Break Up Schedule

Month one:

-Get shitfaced, and before doing so, hand cell phone over to best friend so you don't end up making a regrettable drunk dial
-Sob violently in both public and private
-Bitch to friends till they grow weary of you
-Delete all emails, texts, contact information with the ex in an attempt to prevent yourself from wallowing in the past
-Eat your feelings/gain massive amounts of weight (or) starve yourself because food is too hard to swallow/lose massive amounts of weight
-Sleep for extensive periods of time, followed by waves of insomnia fantasizing about "what could've been"
-Remind yourself constantly that he was no good in the first place till you're convinced that it must be true
-Dress to the nines anytime you leave the apartment in the event that you bump into each other, that way he can be reminded of what he's missing
-Deny that it's that big of a deal in the first place and that it wasn't really love if the other person didn't return the feelings, right? Right? Oy. Fuck me.

Month two:

-Scorn and swear off all men and treat them with an icy indifference
-Consider overpriced therapy to see what the "root" of all your relationship issues really are
-Start knitting
-Sponsor an African refugee for $0.50 a day, because really, so many people have it worse than you do

Month three:

-Welcome the gradual return of feelings and optimism to your system
-Go on a date with a new bloke as an attempt to move on completely, as well as a method to seek further punishment (Note: If date goes well then be prepared to repeat break-up schedule in 6-10 months, give or take)


This is really an FYI so everyone will know what I'll be busy with for awhile.

Dry.

I'm reading Augusten Burrough's memoir about his struggle with alcoholism called "Dry." They should use this excerpt as a teaser to advertise the book:

"I turn on Channel 18, the Discovery Channel. Zebras. The announcer says, "...the female zebra is winking her vulva to attract a mate." Sure enough, it winks.

Then the boy zebra mounts the girl. And I think, Why do they call it hung like a horse?' It should be 'hung like a zebra.' Its penis was at least half the length of its body. The zebras fuck.

It occurs to met that my sober life now includes watching animal pornography.

Depressed, I shut the TV off and go to sleep. I dream about winking zebra vulva's and swinging zebra penises all night long."

Effing amazing.